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I see Dad's got a road map shave again.
What do you mean?
His face is full of short cuts.

Was that cottage pie?
Yes.
Well, call an ambulance, I think I've just eaten a window.

Why did the farmer laugh when his cow fell over a cliff?
He knew there was no point in crying over spilt milk.

What's the most important thing to remember in chemistry?
Don't lick the spoon!

My grandad says he's got one foot in the grate.
You mean the grave?
No, the grate, he wants to be cremated.

What made you become a parachutist?
A plane with three engines on fire.

I once swam 800 metres in two seconds.
How on earth did you manage that?
I went over a waterfall.

A murderer in an American jail was about to be executed by electric chair. The head of the prison asked him if he had any last requests.
'Yes,' replied the condemned man. 'Will you hold my hand?'

Why did the secretary have her fingers cut off?
So she could do shorthand.

Who can give me the name of a deadly poison?
Parachuting.
Parachuting? That's not a poison.
One drop and you're dead, though!



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